You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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