I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
