How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I had to cum in my sink.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
