I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
