you would pick up someone in the library
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
