Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
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Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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