why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
