guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
