my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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