turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize