Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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