nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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