Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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