someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
