She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
