mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
