my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
