Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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