I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
