I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
