apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
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