The maid of honor just puked.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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