Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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