He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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