I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He called his prostate his "boner button".
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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