My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Rumble strips road head = magical
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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