He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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