I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
FUCK WHALES
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
