im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
