also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
