Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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