Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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