Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
