There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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