youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
