the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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