We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Randomize
