My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
