i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
