I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
