just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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