I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
