If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
