I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
