shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
