i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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