I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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