I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Sober January is a disaster.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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