Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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