this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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