my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
