Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
