I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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