WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
