I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
there is glitter all over my balls
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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